**#Pursuit Of Love Series**
Before I go on with this post, I have gone back and forth on if I should post this article. It is by far the deepest I have written so far and really is raw and personal. It was hard for me to look back at it and remind myself of it. With that being said it is part of me and sometimes you have to look in the mirror….
It is not something to gloat about, be happy about, or brag about. It is something to this day I have wondered why do I do it. It is completely stupid, there is nothing good comes out of it but I’ve done it.
I can’t say that I am not going to ever cheat in my life again but what I can say is that I have to fix that problem so it never happens again. So why do I exactly do it, the most simple of answers for myself and the reason I have done it is fear. I am afraid to get hurt, I am afraid to be completely vulnerable and to be 100 percent committed to the relationship. So why is it I am such a [fill in the blank] with relationships well it goes to summer year before college…..
I was dating Rachel at the time, completely head over heals for her, I loved her, I loved being around her, she was basically my first true love as you would like to say. The problem was it was in high school and we BOTH were pretty immature. We had all the usual high school fights and some. Thinking back about it, I didn’t have one inkling to cheat on her, I had no reason to, she was what I wanted and I wanted to be with her as long as possible.
That summer I went on my senior trip, she was one grade below, therefore she did not go with me on the trip. My friends and I went down to Mexico and it was a blast, well half of the trip was. Because we were in Mexico, we didn’t have the chance to talk over the phone so we emailed each other every day and sometimes more than once. I still remember to this day, I would be so dang excited to go to the little internet cafe and check my inbox for her email. I was slowly realizing how much more I missed her not being with her and not being able to hear her voice.
About half way through the trip I got up like I usually did, went down to the cafe to check my email, and she had emailed me like she usually did but this email was a little different. I can’t remember the exact details or how it was written but she confessed to cheating on me two days after I left for the trip. It was the hardest thing I have ever read in my life, especially me being so young and head over heals, I was completely committed to this relationship.
I took it pretty hard, ruined a lot of the trip, I tried not to think about it until after I got home but that was a lot easier said than done. To make a long story short, that summer completely sucked, it was not easy to get over the fact she did that to me, and it basically just consumed my thoughts for months. We eventually ended things and that was that for the time being.
I remember to this day I told myself I would NEVER get that hurt again, I never wanted to feel that pain ever again in my life, especially over some stupid girl! Well it has held true to this day………unfortunately. All my serious relationships I just don’t commit myself like I should, like a boyfriend should do. I am half way in, always being fearful of getting hurt. So instead of myself getting hurt, I hurt my girlfriend, yes I know how mature that is, about as mature as a 2 year old. It is completely stupid!
Time To Grow Up
I am now 27 years old and I think it is about time to grow up with my relationships, I have vowed to myself to commit to the relationship like I should, don’t be fearful and if I don’t have those strong feelings for her I have to communicate that with her instead of stringing the relationship along. I know I won’t always be perfect but I can at least try!